| CGC Book List 9/21 Update |
[Sep. 21st, 2009|08:41 pm] |
Daredevil Battles Hitler [1.8]
Avengers Annual 10 [9.6]
Ms. Marvel 37 [9.8]
Birds of Prey: Manhunt 3 [9.8] BG, BC
Birds of Prey: Manhunt 4 [9.8] BG, BC
Black Canary/Oracle Birds of Prey 1 [9.8] BG, BC
Birds of Prey 8 [9.8] BG, BC
Birds of Prey 87 [9.8] BG, BC
Fantastic Four 61 [9.2]
Uncanny X-Men 14 [6.0]
Uncanny X-Men 36 [9.0]
Uncanny X-Men 60 [9.0]
Uncanny X-Men 95 [9.0]
Uncanny X-Men 124 [9.0]
Uncanny X-Men 165 [9.8]
Uncanny X-Men 171 [9.8]
Uncanny X-Men 214 [9.8]
Uncanny X-Men 216 [9.8]
Uncanny X-Men 217 [9.8]
Uncanny X-Men 221 [9.8]
Batman 23 [3.0A]
Batman 31 [4.0]
Batman 171 [6.0]
Batman 190 [9.0]
Batman 199 [7.5]
Batman 208 [9.2]
Batman 209 [9.0]
Batman 232 [9.4]
Batman 253 [9.2]
Batman 475 [9.8]
Batman 608 New York Post Edition [8.5]
Superman 279 [9.4] BG
Detective 51 [6.0]
Detective Comics 359 [9.0] BG
Detective Comics 361 [9.0]
Detective Comics 363 [8.5] BG
Detective Comics 423 [9.0] BG
Detective Comics 489 [9.6] BG
Flash Comics 92 [8.0A] BC
Flash Comics 171 [9.2]
Suicide Squad 23 [9.4] BG
Huntress v2 1 [9.8] HN
Batgirl Year One 1 [9.8] BG
Worlds Finest 169 [9.2] BG, SG
Justice League of America 73 [8.5]
Batman: The Killing Jake [10.0], [9.9] BG
Batman Family 6 [8.0] BG
Batman Family 10 [9.2] BG
Iron Man 1 [7.0]
Brave and the Bold 62 [9.0] BC
All Star 50 [5.0]
All Star Comics 58 [9.4]
Sensation Comics 14 [4.0Q]
DC Comics Presents 19 [9.6] BG |
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| CGC Book List |
[Mar. 22nd, 2009|07:09 pm] |
Daredevil Battles Hitler [1.8]
Ms. Marvel 37 [9.8]
Birds of Prey: Manhunt 3 [9.8] BG, BC
Birds of Prey: Manhunt 4 [9.8] BG, BC
Black Canary/Oracle Birds of Prey 1 [9.8] BG, BC
Birds of Prey 8 [9.8] BG, BC
Birds of Prey 87 [9.8] BG, BC
Uncanny X-Men 14 [6.0]
Uncanny X-Men 165 [9.8]
Uncanny X-Men 214 [9.8]
Uncanny X-Men 216 [9.8]
Uncanny X-Men 217 [9.8]
Uncanny X-Men 221 [9.8]
Batman 23 [3.0A]
Batman 31 [4.0]
Batman 171 [6.0]
Batman 199 [7.5]
Batman 475 [9.8]
Batman 608 New York Post Edition [8.5]
Superman 279 [9.4] BG
Detective 51 [6.0]
Detective Comics 359 [9.0] BG
Detective Comics 361 [9.0]
Detective Comics 363 [8.5] BG
Detective Comics 423 [9.0] BG
Flash Comics 92 [8.0A] BC
Suicide Squad 23 [9.4] BG
Huntress v2 1 [9.8] HN
Batgirl Year One 1 [9.8] BG
Worlds Finest 169 [9.2] BG, SG
Justice League of America 73 [8.5]
Batman: The Killing Jake [10.0], [9.9] BG
Batman Family 6 [8.0] BG
Batman Family 10 [9.2] BG
Iron Man 1 [7.0]
Brave and the Bold 62 [9.0] BC
All Star 50 [5.0]
Sensation Comics 14 [4.0Q]
DC Comics Presents 19 [9.6] BG
Noted for my own purposes. Getting my dupes and GA/SA books CGC'd. Mostly continuing to work on Batgirl and Black Canary collections. |
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| Early Batgirl Appearances |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|09:02 pm] |
From Batgirl Showcase
Detective 359, 363, 369, 371, 384, 385, 388, 389, 392, 393, 396, 397, 400, 401, 404-424
Worlds Finest 169, 176
Batman 197, 214
Justice League of America 60
Brave & the Bold 78
Adventure Comics 381
Superman 268, 279
Superman Family 171
I think I actually have most of these... need to update GA/SA comic list again soon. |
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| Early Black Canary Appearances |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|08:43 pm] |
Note to self regarding collecting GA and early SA Black Canary issues. Not relevant for anyone to read, though if anyone cares to suggest some SA appearances that I should prioritize on my target list feel free!
From Black Canary Archives V1:
1) Flash Comics #86-104 (August 1947 through February 1949)
2) Comics Cavalcade #25 (February/March 1948)
3) DC Special #3 (February 1949)
4) Adventure Comics #399 (November 1970)
5) Brave and the Bold #61-62 (September 1965, November 1965)
6) Adventure Comics #418-419 (April/May 1972) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 23rd, 2009|05:07 pm] |
So tomorrow my little man will three weeks old. It's really bizarre when I have those moments when I really realize I'm a mother. The most prominent example was when I left the movie theater with my friend Jeremy, and was irately looking around at the clusters of teenagers that had moved into the area. There was just a 'wow' moment, where I knew that eventually my little baby would end up one of those. You know... a teenager. It's mind-numbing.
We've already dealt with the basics - jaundice, eye infection caused by immature tear ducts, diaper rash with a touch of yeast infection, spit up, etc. Fun times. But everything has cleared up quickly and it hasn't been anything out of the ordinary. He's gaining weight like he should be, and chugging down bottle after bottle. (No, I am not breastfeeding, and no, I don't feel bad about it.) We've taken him out to the park, for walks, and to restaurants already. He's been easy to manage so far, but then he hasn't gotten out of the sleeping a lot period. He wakes up hourly for a bottle or a pacifier, and only really has one block of three hour sleep during the night. Still, Eric and I are managing fairly well. He really doesn't cry unless he's cold (aka nekkid) and just fusses a bit to let us know its bottle or diaper time. I think that since Schawn and Lindsey's little girl was a (loudly!) colicky baby while she lived here I've had my share of screaming infants for a while. The tantrums of the terrible twos may be another story :)
Anyway, I'm also working on thinning out my reptile collection. With the little guy here its just not as manageable, so I want to stick with my more valuable and/or favorite animals. I think I could do with under a hundred herps.
The boy is big enough now (and I'm healed enough too) that I am able to show him off to my friends finally. He's really a cutie, but then I'm biased. |
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| Baby Post |
[Feb. 9th, 2009|07:44 am] |
Yes, I am one of those mothers who thinks her baby is the cutest baby in the world. It's more a measure of the faces he makes. My favorite is what I am calling the tortoise face. It's his "I'm hungry" look, where his little mouth and head move around much like a tortoise grazing on the morning grass. It's so funny to watch him mouthing around for a bottle. I just love this guy.
Yesterday I finally had some friends come by to meet him. As most of my friends were guys, no one wanted to hold him. Instead, they liked to look from a safe distance while my fragile little man slept. But it was nice to see everyone. I'm still suffering from post-labor injuries, so am not yet very mobile, but I'm very excited to be slowly feeling more and more like myself. I can't wait to be healed up so that I can start taking my little guy out to parks and on walks. The weather is becoming beautiful again.
Oh, and yesterday my son marked his daddy for the first time. :) I just had to note that for posterity.
Today is Sebastian's first doctor's appointment. Hopefully I'll be well enough to take him out for a bit afterward. |
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| Tomorrow I will be having my son! |
[Feb. 2nd, 2009|07:08 pm] |
Yup, you read that right... Tomorrow I go to the hospital to have my son. It's such a crazy thing to say!
See you all later! |
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| Holiday Revelation |
[Dec. 23rd, 2008|03:19 pm] |
Presents are wrapped, and gifts have been mailed... All gifts should arrive on time, though the northern weather could cause a bit of a delay. I'm glad all of that is done and over with, and am looking forward to spending the holidays with my husband. He's off for both Christmas Eve and Christmas, so I'll actually be able to spend some quality time with him. Plus I'll have my little mass of animals - 2 dogs, 3 cats, 3 rabbits, a ferret, a bird, and too many reptiles to keep track of - celebrating the holidays here as well. It will be quieter here than it was last year, when we had another family living with us. It was a great deal of fun watching their little ones open their presents and nibble on the gingerbread house.
And what I realized is that this will be the last Christmas like this I'm likely to have for many years. In the beginning of February we'll be adding our own child to the mix, so there shouldn't be any more holidays where kids aren't around. It's a bit startling to realize... More and more of my friends and family are getting involved in serious relationships, having children, and moving on to that generally family oriented stage of life. And it's becoming increasingly strange being around those unattached friends without children. We just aren't interested in doing the things we used to do - or at least no where near as often.
So this is it - the last quiet, private holiday we're likely to have. I imagine I'll have a good one, and I hope everyone else enjoys the season too! |
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| The Family |
[Dec. 18th, 2008|09:30 am] |
It's been an interesting few weeks, and I'm already exhausted. I'm sitting at an uncomfortable 8 months pregnant, and have had a lot of house guests for the holiday season. My husband's younger brother, Joel, has been staying with us for the last few weeks and will be here until the end of the year. He's back from Germany, and before that was back from Iraq, so he's enjoying the moderate temperatures of Florida. Apparently it's better than the freezing of Germany or the scorching heat of the desert. I've pretty much known Joel as long as I've known my husband, so it's more like having a friend over than family. Still, being that I'm round and tired all the time I'm not exactly the most entertaining host.
This past week my husband's mom has been in town - mostly to see Joel, and partially just for the holidays. Then you add my mother to the bunch, and we've had a fairly full house. We went ahead and threw together a Christmas dinner on Tuesday, complete with a mini gift exchange. It's been a nice way to kill these weeks of waiting until the baby is due.
And then there's the news that comes from my dad... I haven't heard from him directly, but I guess he spent last weekend in jail. I'm not sure if he's out yet or not. Brilliantly, my father was picked up for selling marijuana out of his house. I guess the police have been watching him for a few years now, and he's being charged with a couple of D felonies. I can't say any of this is too much of a surprise... but it creates a rather sad image. My father is old beyond his years and barely able to physically function due to all over nerve damage. He's on medical leave from his job for foot surgery, and was due to take disability at the end of the year... Not a great situation, obviously. I think when Eric's mom is out of town I'm going to call my brother and see where everything stands. It may not end up too badly, as his dad's lawyer is pretty decent. My uncle Paul (my step-dad's brother) had the same lawyer and hasn't served much jail time, and he's had 10+ DUIs, including accidents with injuries. I just rather wish that certain members of my family would be a little less dumb. I'm actually glad my dad got picked up for my brother's sake, who I'd say could easily walk a similar path to our dad. Hopefully he'll learn something from our father's mistakes.
Anyway, there's still plenty of family in town, and there's a lot to do before the holidays, so I should be out of here. |
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| Question |
[Nov. 30th, 2008|06:03 pm] |
Is it nerdier to keep your action figures in the packaging, or to open your action figures and pose them for display?
And for the record, I have action figures opened and posed in my *china cabinet*. And I have a drawer filled with my favorite opened figures so that I may rotate the display at my leisure... |
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| Comics Update |
[Nov. 6th, 2008|07:47 pm] |
A far from complete comic list, but covers the issues I pay attention to at cons. Mostly a combination of silver and golden age books, with a smattering of more recent Batgirl-related books and CGC graded items. This is my weird way of staying organized, so the last issue listed is likely not the last of that title that I actually own. Books that are in lesser condition are unlisted. Don't ask why I own some of this. My nerdiness is quirky.
Flash 86, 91, 92, 95, 97, 102, 108
Batman 23, 31, 52, 61p, 78, 102, 105p, 131, 136, 171, 178,184, 186, 194, 196, 197, 199, 199 [7.5], 205, 206, 214, 265, 279, 288, 475 [9.8], 608 [8.5]
Avengers 14, 15, 18, 19, 21, 22, 24, 26, 29, 30, 33, 35, 35, 38, 44-47, 52-55, 64, 69, 90, An10, Sp2, Sp3
Blackhawk 133
E-Man 1
World’s Finest 73, 78, 109, 134, 151, 169 [9.2], 169, 176, 204, 212, 233, 235, 251
Detective 51, 222p, 341, 347, 359p, 361, 363 [8.5] 384, 385, 389, 392, 396, 410, 411p, 414, 415p, 418, 419
Star-spangled Comics 38
Action Comics 58, 329, 330, 335,337, 356, 361, 415, 482
Bullseye 1, 2, 6, 8, 9
Teen Titans 21
Blue Beetle (v2) 1
Captain Marvel 1-18, 20
Wonder Woman (89) 4, 17, 20-24, 37, 40, 41, 42
Ms. Marvel (77) 1-23
Marvel Tales 1-17, 19-24, 29, 30, 32
The Brave & the Bold 50, 69, 70, 78, 131, 132,141
All Star Comics 59-65, 69, 74
Justice League of America 52, 73 [8.5], 79, 84, 88, 89, 94, 102, 109, 110, 112, 117, 188, 192
Justice League 1
Batman the Killing Joke [9.9] [10]
Batman Family 4, 6 [8.5], 10 [9.2]
Birds of Prey Manhunt 3[9.8], Manhunt 4 [9.8]1 [9.8], 87 [9.8]
Batgirl Year One 1 [9.8], 1, 2, 4, 5, 7
Huntress (94) 1 [9.8]
Suicide Squad (89) 23 [9.4]
Superman 279 [9.4]
DC 1st: Batgirl The Joker 1
Showcase 94 12
Elseworlds Finest Supergirl & Batgirl
Batgirl Special 1
Girlfrenzy Batgirl
X-Men 1, 2, 3, 4 (coverless), 7, 9, 10, 11, 13-16, 19-31, 34, 36-41, 43 45-47, 48, 51-58, 61, 63, 68, 70, 71, 73,75, 76, 78, 80, 86, 88, 91, 93, 95-98, 100, 221 [9.8] |
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| Another Successful DragonCon |
[Sep. 2nd, 2008|03:31 pm] |
Well the subject line sums it up pretty well. DragonCon, a four day multi-fandom convention, was nothing short of spectacular. Even in my pregnant and worn out state. I still have to say that it is my favorite convention ever.
This years experience was a bit different, as there was no drinking involved. That didn't make the convention any less fun; it was just a change from years past. So, with no alcohol, my husband and I had a hell of a fandom filled weekend. Friday and Saturday were the big days for me, and by Sunday I was already exhausted. Walking the hilly streets of downtown Atlanta can tug at muscles you've not used in a while, as I soon relearned. But hey, at least this year I wasn't trying to walk them in heels! I had to leave a majority of my costumes at home due to my increasing girth. Instead I ended up wearing my newest Star Wars costume - the Tuskan Raider, 501st ready. But damn if that mask doesn't have the worst tunnel vision! Still, it was fun to wear and was beloved by the kids most of all. Eric wore a red mage costume from FFXI, which got a lot of comments too. It was a lot of fun. I didn't take many pictures, as I already have so many pictures of costumes, but there were some great LOTR ones there.
As far a programming was concerned, I'm fond of doing the fan tracks rather than the entirely too busy main programming. This year we hit the horror track, the LOTR track, the Wheel of Time track, and the Asian track. I most enjoyed the LOTR hobbit related items, while Eric enjoyed the martial arts demo in the asian track. We were all over the place and had a great time.
Now I'm back home, safe and sound, and enjoying seeing my animals again. My husband is at work, and I await Jeremy's arrival for anime night. This week is shaping up to be a good one. |
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| Friends Old & New |
[Aug. 13th, 2008|08:49 am] |
Monday was a relaxing night as Jeremy and I taught my husband and our friend Dan how to play Apples to Apples. Earlier in the evening I kicked their asses in Scrabble, and I didn't fare too badly in Apples to Apples. For those who haven't played it before, it's a fairly amusing game of analogies and comparisons. Dan took the night for his use of the Challenger. The game creates a variety of really bad jokes.
Tuesday was a wholly different day, as I had plans to meet with a couple of friends that I haven't seen and barely spoken with in a decade. These were the guys that were some of my best friends in high school, who I lost touch with after a very unpleasant period in my old college years. I was surprised to realize I was very nervous about seeing them. It had, after all, been a very long time.
However, when they got to my house everything flowed so easily. Other than lacking some life details, it could have been easy to forget that ten years had passed since we last got together. Showalter and his wife now live nearly a half hour from me, while Castor came down this week for a vacation.
For most of the day we just relaxed, caught up, and generally entertained ourselves with a lot of stories. We also went down to the Pier for lunch, which resulted in a very amusing bird incident. We were eating outdoors, and Castor held up a fry while he spoke, which a nearby bird took as an offering. Castor was stunned by the incident, which made it even more amusing. Of course later I was the idiot on the elevator who forgot that it helps to push a button to get the device moving, so I can't be particularly judgmental.
All in all it was a relaxing day, and I look forward to getting together with them again sometime soon. And hopefully introduce them to my husband. |
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| Alive Again |
[Aug. 3rd, 2008|10:07 am] |
Yesterday was the first day I've felt recovered enough from my bout with illness to actually go out. As my husband was at work in the evening, I gave Jeremy a call and we made plans to go to a movie. I figured we could go ahead and see the Mummy 3, even though the previews looked increasingly terrible, because sometimes curiosity gets the better of me. My review??? I could only give you part of a review because we left an hour into the movie. I will say that the acting was atrocious. Maria Bello, who replaced the wife role for the series, came across as some kind of Mary Poppins - if the nanny had taken bad drugs instead of good drugs. She alone was too painfully awful to endure.
So after that first hour, we left. We ended up watching a far better film, Harakiri, at home. Harakiri is a foreign black-and-white from 1962 following the story of samurai after their houses had fallen. The story was superb and well acted, and it's a film any fan of foreign cinema should view.
After that, we continued watching Gilgamesh until I was exhausted. When my husband came home he, Jeremy, and Dan played some Magic while I began another night of twelve hour sleep cycles.
My mother, who I haven't seen in a while, will be in on Monday. She's rented the same cottage on Treasure Island that I'll be having my baby shower in come November. She'll be in until Wednesday so I imagine that while my body permits I'll be spending time with her.I'm really looking forward to it. |
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| Blarg |
[Jul. 30th, 2008|07:43 pm] |
We, today has been a fair mixture of pleasant and... meh. My morning sickness came back in full swing as today apparently bread was a bit much for my stomach to handle. Yes, that harsh bread always does it.
But on the better front, I went in for my three month OB visit and all looked great. They performed the nuchal translucency tests, which check for Downs Syndrome and other chromosomal problems, and all looked fine. We also got some more sonogram pictures of the baby and got to hear its heartbeat. The beat was at 171, which is really good and strong for babies. The most amusing part was that 'baby bean' (as my mom calls it) wouldn't stay still. Getting pictures, let alone the heartbeat, was a task! Every time they found him, the baby would quickly move. It was rolling and flipping all over the place. Even the nurse was amused by the amount of activity. They think that by his growth he'll actually be due closer to February 8, 2009.
Also, in the pictures there is one where the baby looks a little bit like Chucky from Child's Play. *L* In most shots it just looks like an alien hybrid still. But that one is actually very amusing. |
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| Dreams of a Different Sort |
[Jul. 26th, 2008|10:18 am] |
My dreams have been excruciatingly vivid as of late, which I'm told is a normal part of pregnancy. But moreover, my dreams are almost memories of years gone by. Mostly they focus around my junior year of high school and a bit of my senior year. I tend to have dreams in this period of time more than others.
I think that's because overall it was one of the most consistently happy times in my life. Or at least that's the way I chose to remember it. I didn't have the pressures of living on my own or being away from home on my shoulders, and I fell in love for the first time. It also predates finding out that I could treat friends badly just so I didn't feel alone, and the self-loathing that came with a blow to my self-image, followed a year or so later by a trusted friend's assault on me. By the time I was in college I really hated a good part of myself - from my appearance to my personality. I stopped believing in the things I loved. I fell into a depression that left me unable to believe that anyone could care, or that I wasn't just a failure in their eyes. No matter how I felt I couldn't bring myself to be in love, or even simply enjoy the casual experience of relationships. I'd leave peoples homes at odd hours just to avoid their gazes in the morning. I became a heavy smoker, which I hated, and I hated even more when I was around people who didn't smoke. Again, I felt like everyone was judging me as lesser - less attractive, less intelligent, less in control.
And even now I hate that most of the people who were a part of my life then had no idea what was going on with me. I shared my depression only with my best friend, who was equally depressed, and we were each others lifelines, though in the end we ended up so reliant on one another it was beyond the point of being helpful.
I'm not depressed any longer, and I haven't been for a while, but those difficult years have left their mark on me. It's like there is a shadow following me - an ever present reminder of how I am not all that I could have been.
It's nice to remember the days when I didn't have that behind me. |
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| 1st Baby Dream |
[Jul. 19th, 2008|11:11 am] |
So, not too surprisingly,I'm thinking a lot of my posts in the forthcoming months will be about 'that pregnancy thing.' These are probably just notes for my own benefit, and I like the idea of being able to re-read these later.
The dream last night went from right before the baby was born, to right after we brought it home. My mind conveniently skipped over the labor, as I'm sure that onetime experience will be quite enough. A whole slew of people from Eric's side of the family were around, to help out, comment, and observe. I remember mostly his mother, Bev, and my sister-in-law, Mary.
The baby was a boy, and fairly small. (Eric was born full term to a non-smoker at 6lbs, so I'm hoping!) He slept a lot, which is not too surprisingly another dream of mine. Lots of babies in his family can sleep through the night by three weeks, but in my dream it happening at just a few days. We actually had to wake the baby to get him to take a bottle. So, I tell my faithful husband to get him a bottle. Eric brings one in, and without a second thought I give it to the baby. But I quickly realize that this bottle was filled with formula from an earlier feeding, and no good any more. In my dream the baby is fine and I get him a fresh bottle, but I woke up fairly annoyed with my husband. Even knowing he didn't actually do that, a part of my mind has now concluded that it's something that he could accidentally do.
Eric, for his part, is glad he read a baby book that discussed how wives can blame their husbands for things they do in their dreams. He was at least prepared. I, in the end, am just amused by the whole thing. |
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| More on 'that pregnancy thing' |
[Jul. 18th, 2008|09:05 am] |
Well, it thus far hasn't been the most pleasant or blissful part of my life, but reminding myself that this too shall pass does help. Obviously I'm looking forward to the end result. The road is just more difficult than I'd anticipated.
I was all well and good until approximately week five,which happened to coincide with the end of our road trip. My regular old morning sickness turned into something terrible, where I was unable to keep even water down. What I thought was just a bad wave turned into weight loss, general dehydration, and thus I'm being medicated for hyperemesis gravidarum. Fortunately the pill popping has helped a great deal. While I still have nausea and occasional vomiting, it's now at a more normal pregnancy level. I still haven't gained back the weight I lost during the worst of it, but I'm quite sure that will be changing in another month.
The biggest downside to the medication is that it leaves me both exhausted and dizzy, which makes it a rare event when I'm well enough to drive on my own and even go to work. This is why it's so fortunate that I have wonderful employees and own my own business. They've been doing very well without my constant oversight. I am just on the phone with them a lot.
For the curious, my due date is February 20th, placing me solidly in the ten week period. We were intending to get pregnant this summer, so while a bit ahead of schedule it's very much within the realm of our plans. Eric is hoping more for a girl, but I shift back and forth almost daily so ultimately have no extreme hopes in that arena. Eric's done quite a lot to help through my sickest days, which I'll try to remember when I'm cursing him for the suffering he's caused me :)
And many thanks for the congratulations! |
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| I'm... |
[Jul. 7th, 2008|10:56 am] |
pregnant! For those who don't yet know. I'm sitting at an extremely nauseous nine weeks, and am very happy that I own my own store (my beloved and confused comics, cards, and gaming combo pet shop) so that I don't have to go in when I'm feeling this fabulous. And I'm quite thankful that I generally adore my employees, and that they love their jobs. |
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| In Memorium: Nick |
[May. 20th, 2008|09:48 pm] |
On Friday after I arrived in Seattle I received a phone call, informing me that my cousin had died of a drug overdose earlier in the day. He'd long battled with his addiction; he was in rehab during my wedding. The last time we spoke was the same time we'd last seen each other, and my grandfather's funeral.
Nick was always an odd one out, like me, though in an entirely different way. I was the nerd of the family - an oddity of amusement. Nick, however, began life with an edge. He was smart, brilliant even, yet emotionally detached even in youth. His ideas of inferiority and superiority grew through his life, though I know well that this disparity stemmed from concern about his own self-image, and need to be viewed as something better. It was his way of hiding the things that he couldn't explain - the fascinations that were outside the norm or possibly scary.
When I last spoke to him he spent part of the evening puffed up, proclaiming himself an Adonis. In comparison to others he touted that he was a god. Part of him believed it. Part of him wanted to believe it. I listened idly to his posturing... awaiting those moments when he'd open up... truly open up, gingerly stepping forward to see how people would accept that which he was. I highly doubt most people knew Nick beyond that face he put forward. I think one of the greatest tragedies in his passing was that he didn't get to explore his true self. People get too caught up in ideals of normalcy and acceptability that they can't even explore the ideas that resonate within the self.
Nick worried with grandfather's passing that the family would lose touch. He stayed on talking to my mom - calling her on the phone - for some time after. I was blessed with a mother who has always been willing to talk about any subject, taboo or no, and I think she was a blessing for Nick. I wish I'd kept in better touch. He wasn't a Greek god. He was terribly flawed in a way that saddens you should you understand how, but he was my older cousin. And I did idolize him. Even if he did make fun of my Indiana hillbilly accent. And sure, he got me to be mean to other kids from time to time. Hell, sometimes I'd start it. I distinctly recall telling my cousin Tyler that the Power Rangers used the balcony on my Granma's condo as a bathroom. Of course I recall Nick convincing a neighborhood boy that dog poop was a smashed Reese's peanut butter cup. But we had other moments too... there was one occasion when we both stepped on a red ant's nest. I ran screaming to my parents, and my aunt and uncle quickly assumed that Nick had done something to me, until he came around the corner screaming too. We were both dunked into the pool to get the remaining ants off of us. But our legs still ended up nice and swelled. We spent the rest of that break hanging out in his room, somewhat immobilized by our escapade.
Our adventures together were rare, but I'll miss having those that we shared. Behind the facade he was an incredibly unique person. The world's a less interesting place now. |
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raistlyne's journal
happy
awake
melancholy